My First Blog Post

A dream that has triggered my grief

My Dad died through suicide in 2011. For years I don’t remember dreaming about him, but in the last few years I have dreamed several times about him, both him alive and dead.

More recently I have dreamed about him in the house I used to live with Mum and Dad.

Last night he was alive, I was an adult (as I am now) but I felt very much as a child. I don’t know where I was, it wasn’t my home, or my parents old house, or anywhere I recognise now. Almost like we were on holiday. There were many other people in this dream that I know (colleagues mainly) but the bit of the dream that has stuck with me is that me, Mum and Dad were all going on an outing together. We were only going into town, but I felt so happy about it.

This is not like the reality was, my parents never seemed happy, with me, with each other, going out together as a three; I don’t have any happy memories of. But in the dream, aah the love was amazing.

There was more in the dream about me not feeling like I belonged with other people, going from one friend or colleague to another, then having to go somewhere else and them not being there when I got back. The feeling of being lost, no one being there for me. But then the love from/to my parents made up for all that.

I guess that is my wish in life, that I feel that in real life, obviously impossible from my Dad, so there was a big lump of sadness around that when I woke, and now when I write this blog.

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