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A dream that has triggered my grief

My Dad died through suicide in 2011. For years I don’t remember dreaming about him, but in the last few years I have dreamed several times about him, both him alive and dead.

More recently I have dreamed about him in the house I used to live with Mum and Dad.

Last night he was alive, I was an adult (as I am now) but I felt very much as a child. I don’t know where I was, it wasn’t my home, or my parents old house, or anywhere I recognise now. Almost like we were on holiday. There were many other people in this dream that I know (colleagues mainly) but the bit of the dream that has stuck with me is that me, Mum and Dad were all going on an outing together. We were only going into town, but I felt so happy about it.

This is not like the reality was, my parents never seemed happy, with me, with each other, going out together as a three; I don’t have any happy memories of. But in the dream, aah the love was amazing.

There was more in the dream about me not feeling like I belonged with other people, going from one friend or colleague to another, then having to go somewhere else and them not being there when I got back. The feeling of being lost, no one being there for me. But then the love from/to my parents made up for all that.

I guess that is my wish in life, that I feel that in real life, obviously impossible from my Dad, so there was a big lump of sadness around that when I woke, and now when I write this blog.

Fear of abandonment

Obstacle course of sorts. Mum going on first then two others I can’t more remember who, then me.

Mum was jumping into water but then she vanished. I was screaming for her but no reply. I knew she was ok but she’d disappeared.

Abandonment fear I think that’s about.

Suicide bomber

I was at work though it didn’t look like work.

I was counselling a lady in a hijab. In the middle of the session a blond woman wearing sunglasses was staring through the door. I tried to ignore her but she entered. She said she had a belt on and she was going to set the bomb off. She told me I had to go and alert the hospice.

I woke up scared. The fear was of what to do. Whether I could leave the client. But that I had to tell people. The responsibility was too much.

Mum and the friend

This was a while ago now

The friend I always dream about had left get kids at home thinking that they were being looked after but then they had no babysitter be so I volunteered to go home and look after them. Mum said she’d come with me.i was annoyed that I had to leave my friends and annoyed she was the one who’d volunteered

There was two women from choir there too, not sure who else. We were going out for a meal.

I felt that my friend was in charge, what she did goes. A familiar feeling more I’ve become aware through this dream.

Me and mum left the rest to go home via a Chinese takeaway. It was dark and raining, we were running. I fell over and felt like needed her to help me up.

I woke up screaming in my dream. I was screaming out for mum. for her to help me.

She took ages to turn back and help me. I woke up before she got to me, me thinking she wasn’t going to turn back. The good old abandonment fear that plagues me!

Dad

All I remember is that he bought me something, I said thank you and he gave me a hug.

I felt the love. Love like I never felt when he was alive.

This makes me realise the healing power of dreams

Loss of my cat

Took my male cat to my mum’s church with me. My friend who I bought the cats from was with me. I was carrying him in my arms, cuddling him.

We thought was safe to let my cat into the room because it was just one room but we didn’t raise that the window was open.

He snuck out. There Were loads of cats but I couldn’t see him. He ran so fast. I woke up in fear, fear I’d never see him again

Dad, disappointment and anger

Was at at house I grew up in with mum and dad, though didn’t look like that.

It was the morning after they night before. Dad had been awful. I was embarrassed by him. He’d been awful in front of everyone. I was so disappointed.

I wouldn’t talk to him properly.

I’d been told of by mum that I hadn’t come down for breakfast even though I was. I also and didn’t know she was making breakfast.

I was really angry.

The next day was going for a walk with a friend and bumped into dad who wanted to come with us. I said no.

All in one night

This was a while ago now.

I was talking about trauma.

I was being sick, this stuff just coming out of my mouth, it just kept coming. It didn’t look like sick, like strands of playdoh.

Teeth falling out.

Didn’t feel shame for being sick.

My tights were then down, I kept having to pull them up, so felt like I was at school but I was an adult.

Many dreams

One the friend I always dream about being horrible to me

Another, I had been raped but didn’t remember that I had been. I don’t know how I knew, if someone had told me, but I had totally forgotten. No memory of it, due to the trauma.

Another I was on something that was making my glasses blow off, like something really fast and was worried my glasses would fall off.i was holding them into my face. Like on a fast ride

Feeling like my dreams are just getting to me. I know they’re healing in some way but they’re exhausting! I don’t know the feelings in go any of these

The friend I always dream about

My friend who o regularly dream about.

All these dreams I’m comparing myself to her and feeling inadequate.

I see her as having an easy life, everything landing in her lap. Get having so much money she can pay ease in her life.

So many dreams of this nature. All linking to my own self worth

Application for some kind of drama or singing thing. The pieces of paper were supposed to be standard but they’d all used different forms.

One had the name of my long term client on it. I told the person I was going through them with about the issue, she asked if would be a problem.

I said I would speak to them but they would be amazing. I didn’t want her to lose out just because I was there.

Almost a thought that her success is in the power of my hands. What I do impacts her. I think this is because of my considerations of having a child and the potential impact on them